Di kind tings wey dey shele for dis Lagos now, I confuse.
Man pikin go comot for house for early morning before everybody wake up, I go put my guonguoro for road, to go find wetin I go take give my family food, na so rat go bite cat wey dey sleep tail. No be palava dat rat dey find?
Di order day, one passenger like dat come meet me for our garage wey dey near Ikeja Under Bridge. E say make I go drop am for Isale Eko. I ask am wia gan gan for Isale Eko, e say Idumota market.
I look time, 2 O’clock pm in di afternoon don nack. I talk am for my mind say time still dey, patapata I use one hour go drop am and begin come back to Ikeja. But my broda, e no come be as I tink.
I comot for Idumota by 4 O’clock pm in di evening as I drop di passenger finish. I take IBB Bridge to begin come back, hmmm, I never see di kind Go-slow wey dey dat evening since I begin do dis my taxi driver work for Lagos. I hear nwi dat day. I dey inside Go-slow for 5 hours. Tori Olorun!
I look time wen I reach Alausa, I see say time don go well well, na im I begin drive dey go our house wey dey for Abule Egba.
As I reach house, I never come down from my guonguoro wen my second woman pikin, Funke, run come meet me, e say im sister dey cry since afternoon. Ehn? My first woman pikin, Bisi, dey cry since afternoon? Wetin happen?
I no even remember weda or wedan’t I close di door of my guonguoro as I jump out and begin run enter house dat night.
True true, I see Bisi siddon for chair for parlour dey cry. I ask am wetin happen. I ask am who give am belle? I nearly give am dirty slap sef. Na dat time im Mama, my wife Bose, tell me say no be belle, say na our landlord, Baba Braimoh man pikin, be wahala.
Bose come talk say, as Braimoh come visit im Papa and Mama dat afternoon, e come our room and parlour to greet us, but na only Bisi dey for house dat time.
E say as Braimoh jus see Bisi, e shout shiooorr, na dis girl don grow like dis? Di next ting be say, e begin touch everwia for Bisi body, plus including nyansh.
E say Braimoh even carry Bisi dress up and try to put im finger for my pikin kini. Wen Bisi no gree, e slap Bisi for eye pppuuuooorrr! Na so Bisi eye swell up. And Bisi begin shout, cry and people come full di compound. E say dem jus dey come back from hospital. Olorun Oba o!
See Braimoh wey talk say e don stop to dey smoke Kolos o, say now e be prophet for one church like dat for Mushin o! Na dis fake prophet wan rape my pikin for inside my house o! See me, see troublem o!
Na im I march go Baba Braimoh room go begin knock im door po, po, po! Di old man open door, begin shout for my head say why I hit im door like dat for dis night. I tell am say I dey find Braimoh. E ask me why I dey find im pikin. I ask am weda dat one na JAMB question? I ask am weda e no hear wetin im useless man pikin Braimoh do my first woman pikin Bisi?
Baba Braimoh ask me wetin be dat, na im I call Bisi make e come tell Baba Braimoh wetin im pikin do.
Wen Bisi talk finish, Baba Braimoh hiss, den ask weda me and my pikin get any evidence of say im son, Braimoh, do am dat kind ting. E warn me say make I no ever call im son useless again, say Braimoh life don change, say now im son na Prophet wey dey do deliverance for people. Ewo!!!
I tell am say prophet ko. I ask am weda im son deliverance na for woman nyansh.
I tell am make e warn dat im son well well, say any day e cross im boundary again, e go know say me na correct Ogbomosho man, no be all of dem wey dey claim Lagos.
I tell am say, just becos me and my family dey live for dis im face-me-I-face-you house, no mean say im son go come dey harass my two woman pikin dem anyhow.
Deliverance my nyansh. Mtchewwwwww.
Make we jam again next Saturday.
Tank you,
Tank you very much,
And tank you very, very much indeed.
*Created by Sunny Okim, Oga MAT (Day-to-day experiences of a Lagos taxi driver) is the longest running Pidgin column in Nigerian media, since 1994.
