Dear Oga Patapata,
I dey vex for you well well, but before I start dis my letter to you, make I still manage to say Happy Keresimasi and Mary (or Remi) New Year to you.
Oga Patapata, why I dey vex for you na wetin you tell your boy make e announce to all Naija people on Wednesday dis week.
I no even read am for newspaper, hear am for radio or watch am for TV. Na everybody jus dey tell me ‘Oga MAT congratulation’. Everywia I go dat Wednesday, na di same ting people jus dey tell me.
Na one passenger wey I go drop for Dopemu dat afternoon make me sabi wetin shele gan gan. As di bobo jus open door, enter my guonguoro, im sef tell me congratulations. I tell am say na di same ting everybody dey tell me since dat afternoon, I ask am why e follow tell me di same ting. Di bobo say weda I no hear wetin you, Oga Patapata, do for everybody wey wan travel for dis odun. E say you, Oga Patapata, don tell anybody wey wan travel go im village make e jus waka go any garage and pay half of di transport fare, say your gofmen go balance di half. E say di ting go start di next day Thursday.Tori Olorun!
Oga Patapata, na so I wake up early dat next morning, I no baf, I no wash my guonguoro and I no even warm di engine or check oil and water sef. Na so I drive dat early morning like say na my village people dey push me, go reach our garage wey dey near Ikeja Under Bridge.
I come dey wait for passenger dem wey wan travel go dia village for Keresimasi. I surprise say, na only me reach garage dat early morning, I no see all our union member dem. I come happy say na only me go carry all di passenger dem wey go come dat morning.
I don even begin dey tink di money wey passenger dem go pay and di 50% wey you, Oga Patapata, go balance me from dat day till Thursday for new year. I don dey tink all di ting wey I go take di money do.
Na so I siddon for garage 7 O’clock a.m. in di morning nack, 8, 9, 10, 11, no passenger show face. By dat time, all our union member dem don complete for garage.
Wen I come tell our union chairman, Jimoh, wetin you, Oga Patapata, announce, na im everybody for garage begin laugh. Na dat time Jimoh come tell me say, you, Oga Patapata, only make dat plan for big bus dem wey dey go Iboland. Olorun Oba o!
Oga Patapata, why? Di ting shock me no be small.
So, upon all di campaign wey I use my guonguoro campaign for you dat time, you don forgot me patapata? I remember dat time wey you tell your boy for Lagos, Oga Sanwo-Olu, make e put your campaign banner all over di body of my guonguoro, make I drive your party people everywia for Lagos, Abeokuta, Ibadan, Akure, Ijesha, and plenty places like dat. Petrol no cost dat time as you make am cost now, na im make I collect dat chechere money.
Oga Patapata, why be say, now as you don enter Aso Rock, you forgot say dat my same guonguoro still dey? Why be say na only big bus and Omo Ibo dem you remember for dis odun? Shey, dem campaign for you dat time? Abi you wan take style use di 50% kini kan kini kan to begin target how you go grab Iboland for 2027 and run with it? You don kukuma talk am teletele say, your style na ‘grab, snatch and run with it’.
Oga Patapata, I still believe say you go change your mind and add my guonguoro to dat your plan, after all, January 4 still far, and I even hear say all di Omo Ibo transport company dem wey you select, no gree do wetin you talk. Dem say na wayo you dey play dem, say you jus wan use dem shine as Supreme Cult, sorry Court, make everybody vex sake of dat your case wey dem take do Abracadabra.
Oga Patapata, me I no be like dose Okoro people. Abeg consider my guonguoro. I promise say I no go fall your hand. Awalokan.
I remain your man pataki –
Oluwafemi Oluwadurotimi Olugbemiro a.k.a. Man About Town (alias Oga MAT).
My people, how una see dis my open letter to Oga Patapata this afternoon? I know say e go read am becos e no dey miss my sweet sweet tori for inside dis Oga Sunny newspaper, The Frontier.
Make we jam again on Saturday.
Tank you very much
And tank you very very much indeed.
*Created by Sunny Okim, Oga MAT is the longest running Pidgin column in Nigerian media, since 1994.