Na only for Naija wey sisi dem don turn to kalokalo. Just tell any Lagos sisi say I like you, you don enter im trap be dat, especially as Keresimesi don dey near so.
First, di sisi go tell you say “Honey, I dey hungry, I never chop since morning”.
Wen you settle dat one, di next ting na, “Sweetie, my Mama dey sick for village, I wan send money to am as I no get t/fare”.
After dat one, you go hear, “My love, I wan do my hair”, or “Sugar, I wan buy G-string dross”.
Di ogbenge one now be say, di sisi go stop to call you for one full day. Den, e go use anoder number wey you no know, call you.
If you answer di call, di sisi go talk say, “My sweetheart na me o. I use my uncle phone to tell you say my phone don spoil, di man wey wan repair am say make I bring 20k, and I no get dat kind money.”
Dat is, if di sisi no tell you say dem don tief im phone make you buy new one for am be dat o.
Na so you go spend till your pocket leak finish like person put water for basket. Dat one na introduction. No be say una don do kini yet o, and if you come do kini nko? Na im be say you don carry babanla gbese for your head be dat. Olorun Oba o!
Yesterday morning, na so I siddon for house, I no go our garage wey dey near Ikeja under bridge, as I no get enough money to use buy petrol put for my guonguoro take do my work. And e come be say petrol scarce well well dat yesterday morning. If taxi driver no get petrol, shey na water e go use drive im taxi?
Small time, I dey for inside my parlour see two Soja motor drive enter our compound wey I dey live with my family for Abule Egba. Five Soja wey carry gun jump down, come near and begin ask person for outside, “Na here Oga MAT dey live?” Di person say yes, and point for my door.
I talk am for my mind say my own don finish today. Abi dis khaki boys dem don scatter town like Guinea-Bissau?
Na so hot piss begin worry me, I nearly piss for inside my shokoto trouser but I manage hold am.
Di next ting be say, two Soja dem come knock for my door. And na only me dey house dat time. My wife Bose and my two woman pikin dem – Bisi and Funke – don go dia church for morning service.
I first tink weda make I run hide for under my bed for inside room, and na so all my body come begin shake like Shakespeare.
But I talk am for my mind say one day man must peme, and sometin must kill a man. I use boldface take open di front door.
One Soja ask me weda na me be Oga MAT. I say yes, na di name everybody dey call me, but my real name na Olufemi, di son of Pa Olukayode Olugbemiro of my village wey dey for Ogbomoso.
Di Soja dem say make I follow dem outside.
(To be continued)
Make we jam again next week.
Tank you
Tank you very much
And tank you very, very much indeed.
*Created by Sunny Okim, Oga MAT (Day-to-day experiences of a Lagos taxi driver) is the longest running Pidgin column in Nigeria’s media, since 1994.
