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Dis cold wey dey for Naija now get as e be. Di tin carry weight, no be small. Even di cold wey dem dey talk say e dey for Oyibo contry, na small pikin for dis Naija cold wey dey now.
Wen di cold begin blow last month, people talk say e go disappear wen rain fall.
Last week, rain fall for Lagos ti-ti-ti-ti, sote all di road for Lagos turn to emergency lagoon, still, di cold no shake body up till dis time wey I dey nack una dis tori so.
Di order day, I hear one Agege market woman talk say dis cold na wintch bring am. I say na wa for Naija people o. Everyting wey happen na wintch cause am. But if na for Oyiboland, dem for find one fine woman name give di cold. Dem fit call am Katrina or Elizabeth.
Anyway sha, na we Lagos taxi driver suffer dis cold matter pass. Di cold dey show us di Good, di Bad and di OBJ…sorry…na and di Ugly I wan talk o. (Make dis my mouth no put me for wahala one day. Help me say Amin!).
Di good ting be say, now, me and my wife Bose don dey like 5 and 6.
Wen I don close work for night, go reach our house wey dey for Abule Egba, wen I chop finish, enter bed, Bose go use style lef our two woman pikin dem – Bisi and Funke – for parlour, come meet me for bedroom. Na so Bose go fold im body like say e dey inside ice water. E go tell me say cold don finish am. I go lock door, draw am enter bed, use heavy blanket cover di too both of us. Na so me and Bose go gum our body togeder – bie bie to bie bie – under di blanket. Before you say Jack, we don start bend-bend sleep be dat.
Dat time I go talk am for my mind say, see my wife wey no dey let me near am for bed teletele before dis cold come.
To say we never dagba, Bose for don carry belle and born pikin by next year, and I for name di pikin Tutu.
Na im make I talk say dis cold na Good ting for me, and na im make I no wan make di cold go.
I no dey branch for Madam Shine buka again wen I close work for evening since wen dis cold start. After all, wetin dey for Sokoto dey for shokoto trouser.
But di Bad and di Ugly side be say, na we wey dey do taxi driver work dey suffer for dis cold hand pass.
Una kukuma know say people no dey baf again. If you see anybody wear suit and heavy clothe waka for road, check am well well, you go discover say di person jus wear di big clothe make cold no enter im body.
Na so inside my guonguoro dey choke now becos passenger dem no dey baf, na so so perfume dem dey pour for body – from head to toe – and na so inside di guonguoro go come choke gan.
Di order day, two passenger dem – one sisi and one bobo like dat – come meet me for our garage wey dey near Ikeja under bridge. Di two both of dem wear heavy suit plus tie take cover body make people tink say na one big meeting like dat dem dey go. Dem say make I carry dem for drop go Mafoluku. I tell dem my price, dem gree. I say make dem enter. I open ignition, start engine, put am for gear one and move.
We no even climb dat flyover for railway line near Ikeja Council wen I begin cough pussy cat. I cough sote I nearly drive go jam electric pole. Olorun maje!
Na di kind wicked perfume wey dis bobo and sisi pour for dia body as dem no baf dat morning becos of cold, na im been wan finish me so o.
Tank Eledumare say, I still manage drive dem go reach Mafoluku and collect my money. Olorun Oba o!
Make we jam again next Saturday.
Tank you
Tank you very much
And tank you very, very much indeed.
*Created by Sunny Okim, Oga MAT (Day-to-day experiences of a Lagos taxi driver) is the longest running Pidgin column in Nigeria’s media, since 1994.
