Shey una still remember di tori wey I nack una di order day wey I say “Part-time wife wanted. Na urgent”?
My broda, I tink say wen I chop finish, I go clean mouth and nobody go know wetin happen. Na im make I no tell una say di tori get part 2.
But I no know say Bose my wife wey be mother of my two woman pikin dem – Bisi and Funke – don join 419 a.k.a. Yahoo Yahoo. Di only ting be say Bose 419 no be to take chop money from oyibo, im own 419 na to take am do monitoring spirit everywia I go.
Make I talk true, dat part-time wife vacancy advert hit, no be small. If I tell una di number of sisi dem wey call me for my torchlight chinko phone dat very day gan gan, hmmm, una no go believe.
Dat day, my phone jus dey ring ti-ti-ti-ti sote my battery peme. And na so l jus dey charge am for inside my guonguoro charger as I dey drive passenger dem for road. Tori Olorun!
Di ting be say, I come stop to carry passenger wen 12 o’clock pm in di afternoon nack. I go pay for one short-time for Agege. Wen any sisi call me, I go give am di address make e come meet me for screening for dat place.
Na so Lagos sisi dem jus dey come, and na so l dey screen dem one by one.
Before one hour pass, I don screen like 20 sisi dem. Olorun Oba o!
Na only one sisi I allow to come inside di room at a time. Di order ones go wait outside till I finish with one.
Na only to screen with my eye I do o. If I do any order ting join am for inside dat short-time room, make I baf naked for bafroom.
During di screening, I come jam one sisi among dem wey get everyting I wan for im body as my part-time wife. Im name na Kemi.
Kemi pass all di test wey | been list out for di
vacancy advert dat day:
•Sisi wey no pass 25
•Di two pawpaw for im chest must to tanda
paparapa like Standard Bank.
•Im Boys quarter must shoot out for angle
360 degree like Israel bomb
•No be short and no be tall
Must sabi deal gan with alagba like me for bed well well.
Quick, quick, I give Kemi our house address for Abule Egba. I tell am make e resume work as my part-time wife di next morning wey be Sunday. I don plan am say I no go work dat Sunday, I go dey for house to welcome Kemi my part-time wife for one month before Bose come back from Ondo wey e say e go attend im sister pikin graduation, den from dia, e go stay with im alagba Mama for one month.
Dat Saturday evening, I branch Madam Shine buka to go take My Usual and celebrate my part-time wife wey go resume in di morning.
My mind sweet gan. I jus dey tink make night come and make day break quick quick.
As I drive go reach house dat night, I park my guonguoro, carry my bag to enter house…
Na so my wife Bose jus come open di front door for me. I nearly faint. Egba mi o!
I ask Bose weda e no travel go Ondo again?
Na so my wife tell me say e no go anywia, say e jus wan try me. I shock! I no fit move one step for wia | tanda.
Shey dat one no be 419?
Make we jam again next Saturday.
Tank you
Tank you very much
And tank you very, very much indeed.
*Created by Sunny Okim, Oga MAT (Day-to-day experiences of a Lagos taxi driver) is the longest running Pidgin column in Nigeria’s media, since 1994.
