Di kind orisirisi tings wey man pikin dey see for dis our taxi driver work, person no fit talk am finish.
Di order day, trailer nearly push me, my guonguoro and my passenger inside Lagos Lagoon. Helep me say Olorun maje!
Na so I carry one madam like dat for drop go Balogun market. We take Alapere, pass Oworonshoki, den climb IBB Bridge.
We never reach half di bridge wen I hear pppoooaasrrrhhh!!! My front tyre don burst be dat. Na so my steering begin carry me go left, right and center of the bridge, on top speed o. Tori Olorun!
Una kukuma know as plenty motor dey fly for dat bridge. My passenger shout. E begin speak in tongues. I say madam calm down, na ordinary tyre burst, no be anoder ting. Di madam no hear me, na so e dey hala prayer, e come dey shout say, “Driver stop! Stop!! Stop!!! I no mind am. I jus manage until di guonguoro slow down and stop. I clear am comot for road, park for sidewalk.
Di madam come dey rush to open di door of di back seat wey e siddon, di door no gree open. I tell am make e take am easy, say I go come down and open di door for am.
I open my driver door, but my broda, to come down come be wahala. Na so I come dey struggle to come down, na lie. My belle no gree me. Na so my belle hook for steering wheel. Come see as plenty motor jus dey fly pass us sote one trailer nearly hit us for bank. Olorun Oba o!
Las las, I manage come down, turn go open door for di madam make e come down make I change di tyre.
Wen I finish, I carry di madam go drop for Balogun market.
Wen I dey come back for road, I talk am for mind say I must do somtin about dis my belle wey don come out so like woman wey get belle.
My wife Bose na im first tell me last week say my belle don too big. All our union member dem for our garage wey dey near Ikeja under bridge, don tell me di same ting. Everybody don talk am.
I no come know weda na My Usual wey I dey nack for Madam Shine buka every night wen I close, plus point-and-kill and nkwobi, na im come shoot my belle out for dis Emilokan time wey everybody dey shout “Ebi n pa mi o!”
I don decide say, from tomorrow I go begin do dry fasting. Na di only ting wey go force my big belle inside be dat, make di son of man no come peme before im time.
Make we jam again next week.
Tank you,
Tank you very much,
And tank you very very much indeed.
*Created by Sunny Okim, Oga MAT (Day-to-day experiences of a Lagos taxi driver) is the longest running Pidgin column in Nigeria’s media, since 1994
